“Make money, money, make money, money, money…take money, money, take money, money, money.” 

For $10,000, I will make an appearance at your office, your kid’s birthday party, or, really, anyplace that’s not dangerous or gross to look at. I will not say anything, though. This is an appearance fee. It’s for appearances. You want me to talk, you have to pay my speaking fee. Think words just grow on tress? Damn, don’t be such a cheapskate.

For $10,000, I will say anything I want. Or anything you want (it’s your dime, after all). This will be said in my home office or the woods behind my house. If you want me to talk somewhere else, then you have to pay my appearance fee. Jeez, stop trying to get something for nothing.

For $19,999, I will show up where you want me to and say what you want me to. I might be late, though. Bad habit of mine. To guarantee I’m there on time, that’s an additional charge of $10,000. Sorry, but there’s only one of me.