C.R.A.P. Report: Buy the Burmese Food Shortage, Hold on the Harrison Ford

BECAUSE WE LIVE IN AN AGE when everything is a commodity and investing your mental energy in the wrong meme is a waste of time, each Monday, Esquire’s Cultural Resilience and Potential (C.R.A.P.) analytics team will sift through popular culture so you don’t have to. This week: Indiana Jones 4, food shortages in Asia, and gay marriage.

Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford

Rating: Hold

Rationale: After the success of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at the Cannes International Film Festival (Click here to read Stephen Garrett's review of the movie), media sources are predicting the film, which stars the sixty-five-year-old actor Harrison Ford, to set box office records. Given the desperate need for aging baby boomers to reaffirm their vigor and cultural relevance, Esquire analysts are recommending those who invested in Raiders of the Lost Ark in 1981 to hold, at least until July 4. Strong caution against buying. No room for growth, strong potential to devolve into utter pointlessness and self-parody in approaching years. (See: Stallone, S., Rocky Balboa/Rambo)

Previous ratings: 1981: Strong buy; 1984: Strong buy; 1989 Moderate buy; 1993: Sell.

Burmese Food Shortage

Rating: Moderate buy

Rationale: Tropical cyclone Nargis has devastated Burma, killing 78,000 people and damaging the Irrawaddy Delta, causing the republic to seek international relief. Xenophobic military rulers have rejected U.S. proposals to have Navy ships and helicopters deliver supplies, illustrating a distrust in Western nations, but have you seen the pictures of the starving Burmese children? They’re so cute. As more images surface in the news, expect theses kids to become a hot commodity for celebrity adoptions.

Previous ratings: N/A

Same-Sex Marriage

New Rating: Strong buy

Rationale: Last week, California legalized same-sex marriage, becoming the second state after Massachusetts to do so. While the news is likely to come with a backlash—indeed, California's more conservative denizens are drafting plans to use gays to create a human fence to keep out the Mexicans—we feel this may be evidence of a cultural tipping point you don't want to miss out on. After all, think about all those people who got in on the ground floor of Civil Rights in the fifties.

Previous rating: Moderate buy